In the Red Corner, the undefeated champion
Standing tall, supremely confident, ready to get out there again and knock ‘em dead

And in the Blue Corner, the challenger
Shoulders stooped, looking anxious, a little sick

It doesn’t sound like it’s going to be a fair fight does it?
Would you pay to watch this entertainment?

But I’m not talking about a boxing match

I’d like to introduce you to the inside of my head

I’m Autistic and ADHD
Neurodivergent
Two conditions with many overlapping traits and also complete opposites in so many ways

Both come with stigma, stereotypes, misunderstanding

By sharing my experience, what it’s like to be me, I’m hoping you’ll understand me a little more.
And this is only my experience, because we’re all different so I can’t speak for all Autistics, all ADHDers, in the same way that you shouldn’t assume that because you’ve met one Neurodivergent person, you know what we’re all like

Let me tell you a little more…

Autism is connected with the left side of the brain
The analytical side, rational, logical, controlling
Often depicted as the black and white side of the brain
Things have to be fair
Rules have to be followed
Change is a scary thing
I have to be in control

Recently, at a networking event, someone introduced me as ‘This is Lisa.  She’s very talented’

When I enquired what he meant by talented, he said that I’m creative and knowledgeable but don’t show any emotion
And this is a common misconception that Autistic people have no empathy
But you couldn’t be further from the truth

There are different types of empathy

Emotional empathy – feeling your emotions.  Taking them on as if they were my own  Wanting to make things better for you. I have buckets full of this empathy!

Cognitive empathy – recognizing and understanding what you’re experiencing. That’s a different thing entirely.

Autistics can struggle to accurately recognise emotions. Eye contact can be difficult so we’re likely to look at the periphery of your face, not the eyes and mouth – and that’s where emotions show up.

So while I feel all the emotions very deeply, rational pragmatic me wants to fix the problem and what comes out of my mouth in the moment might sound blunt and uncaring.

And what about if ADHD brain gets involved too?

I’ve thought of 75 different ways I can help you and it’s all bursting to get out

I need to do something right now

I’ll give you a big hug
Ooof

I’ve still got the boxing gloves on
That was a right hook
I got it wrong again

The fight goes on

In her book, Autism in Heels, Jennifer O’Toole writes:

What’s it like to be us?  Too much! What do you do when the trouble isn’t one thing that you do, it’s everything that you are? So much of the internal experience of autism is invisible to outsiders. No one else can see the struggle.

I wear a sunflower lanyard

If you don’t know what this means, it’s part of the Hidden Disabilities Sunflower Scheme – a way for people with less visible disabilities to tell you that we might be struggling, might need a little help, without having to shout it from the rooftops

But I do shout it from the rooftops because I want everyone to know what this means.

Please look out for sunflower lanyards; you might be surprised how many you spot now you know what they are

Back to Jennifer.  She also says:

I pull the rug right out from under myself when everybody is looking. Just trust that I didn't mean to make anyone fall. My version of normal does not look the same as most people’s.

This really resonates with me
My deepest belief has always been that I’m not good enough
My black and white view of the world has defined the way I ‘ought’ to be
I’ve spent my life trying to fit in.  Trying to be normal
Act the right way.  Say the right things
I’m too much
I overcompensate. I’m too intense in relationships, Both work and personal. I need to feel needed.  I do too much
And this results in me pushing people away through caring too much.
The fight goes on

ADHD is associated with the right side of the brain
The creative side.
Often depicted in a rainbow of colours
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Another misnomer
It’s not a deficit of attention
It’s a deficit in the ability to regulate my attention
Something has all of my attention
I was a Due Diligence Director, attention to detail an absolute must!
So much attention I forget to drink water, eat, even blink
Or my attention is all over the place
Now, what was I saying … ?
The fight goes on

And when you say hyperactive, people think of small boys unable to sit still in the classroom
But I barely move, I’m like a sloth
It’s my mind that’s hyperactive
I’m endlessly curious, with a love of learning
Autism – because I have to know exactly how everything works to feel in control
ADHD – because each new thing becomes a hyperfocus, a fascinating new idea to explore, new possibilities …. And I want to try them all right now!!
Well, maybe not right now, because Autistic brain needs to know exactly how they’d work, and think through all the things that could go wrong before I start
The fight goes on

I used to think that everyone’s brain worked the same way as mine does.
That everyone experiences the world the same way I do. 
Because there’s no benchmark.
I wear glasses.  You might have noticed this in photographs of me.
But how did I know I needed them?

I started learning to drive at 17.  Part of the test was reading a car number plate at a particular distance.  While I could read it, it was a little blurry, so I went to the optician to get my eyes tested and established that I needed glasses.  The Optician’s chart gave me the benchmark

We don’t have that same benchmark for what goes on inside our minds
So I thought that everyone’s brain works the same way as mine
Now I know that’s not true
I was only diagnosed with ADHD and Autism in my 40s, and after the grief cycle that so many of us go through, I’m now learning to live with my Neurodivergence
Learning to manage the challenges and appreciate the strengths

Albert Einstein famously said:

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

What’s the genius within that I can call on?
I’m creative AND methodical
I see patterns AND spot anomalies
I’m fiercely loyal AND resilient
I’m great in a crisis, a problem solver AND pragmatic
I have awesome attention to detail AND endless curiosity
I’ve even been told I’m quite funny at times. Who knew?!

Harvey Blume, an American journalist and advocate says:

Neurodiversity may be every bit as crucial for the human race as biodiversity is for life in general. Who can say what form of wiring will be best at any given moment?

I’ve decided to call time on the fight, take off those boxing gloves, and appreciate my Autistic ADHD brain for what it is.
Let the two sides learn to work together
Take the rainbow and straighten it … just a little
Take the black and white, and create shades of grey. 50 perhaps … too much?
I’ve decided to stop worrying so much about what people think of me

Stop judging myself
And start doing things that I can be proud of
Things I believe in
Start believing in me!

So while my Autistic brain still struggles with a Boxing Ring being square…

In the Red Corner, I’ve started professional speaking about Neurodiversity and by sharing my story, I hope to help others to understand, accept AND value Neurodivergence

In the Blue Corner, I’ve trained as an ADHD and Neurodiversity Coach so I can support other Neurodivergent folk.  You can find out more here.

And in the Yellow Corner, I’ve Started to Write Poetry and started a Substack (Down a Rabbit Hole)

And in the Green Corner, I’ve joined a Samba drumming band, because ADHD brain is never going to be happy with just Red and Blue

I’m always going to create a rainbow!